How to handle relationship problems

       In our humble opinion, honesty and trust are the foundations of any strong relationship. Navigating conflict and problems within a relationship is not easy, but it is undoubtedly worth it to know that you can trust your loved one with anything! If you know a difficult conversation is coming up there are ways to ease some tension even before talking. We have tried everything from cooking garlic bread while we talk so the delicious smells keep us happy to doing a little dance when things get too heated (known as the “hate wiggle”). Anything that opens the door to deeper and more open communication of your concerns is the right way! Remembering what’s important is key: your feelings and your partner. Don’t get stuck in fighting to prove you’re right, or ‘win’. And don’t diminish how you feel to make things easier.

What are (normal) relationship problems?

- Communication

Arguably one of the most common issues you may run into in any relationship is miscommunication or lack of communication. Communicating truthfully is hard work, especially when you know the truth can be hard to hear; but how can you build trust in your relationships if you aren’t honest about your feelings? Sometimes though, there are simply misunderstandings; being patient and understanding towards your loved ones will always yield more connection and confidence in your relationships. We at Now What? have had our fair share of difficult conversations through the process of starting this company, but in the end we are stronger as a team for it!

-Different Attachment Styles and Love Languages

       Similar to communication errors; sometimes one person feels they communicated clearly and their partner comes away with a completely different idea. This is because everyone has their own unique attachment style and love language! We were all raised differently; all have different views of the world. It can make a world of difference in your relationships by understanding the way your loved ones need your appreciation communicated to them. Some people need space while others need intimacy. Some people need physical touch to know they are cared for while others simply need to hear the words. However your partner communicates their needs, try to meet them where they are at. Additionally, it’s equally important that you’re upfront with your partner about how you would like affection communicated to you. It can often be hard to do this. It may make you feel that you’re just telling your partner what to do rather than them wanting to do it on their own. Keep in mind that your partner doesn’t always know what you’re thinking, and just because you tell them, doesn’t mean they wouldn’t be happy to do it for you.  Remember, It is always you and your loved one against the problem, not you against them! 

-Money

“The love of money is the root of all kinds of evil” - Timothy 6:10

       No matter the relationship, talking about money can be incredibly uncomfortable. It is such a personal topic that any disagreement or pushback can feel like a personal attack. It’s difficult to truly understand someone else’s relationship with money until big conversations come up. However, avoiding talking about money can lead to more tension and conflict. Discuss your financial end goals; your personal level of financial literacy and your non-negotiable expenses. For example, when we were roommates, Natalie and Alexa split the cost of most furniture pieces. Before they even made those purchases, they discussed who would keep what when they no longer lived together and how one person could possibly buy the furniture from the other. This saved us from some awkward conversations on move out day! Know that your loved ones want you to thrive in all aspects of your life and relationships. 

-Unresolved Conflicts

       As we have established, communication can be challenging, but just starting a conversation isn’t enough. Unresolved conflicts are a breeding ground for resentment within a relationship. Now you both know that the other has a problem, but nothing is done to calm concerns or resolve the issue. This, in Alexa’s opinion, is most common in familial relationships because there can be many small conflicts that wear down trust and a culture of immediate forgiveness of family members that leaves little space to work through your feelings. However, unresolved conflicts can pop up in any relationship and are sometimes impossible to fully work through. Do your best to end conversations in a place of, if not agreement, than understanding of the other person’s perspective.It’s harder to come back from an argument the longer you let it fester. 

Can relationship problems cause other issues?

-Individual Stress

       Issues within any relationship can have a negative impact on your whole life. Conflict is inevitable, but for some the thought is so terrifying that they avoid it at all costs. No matter what type of person you are within a relationship, problems can cause major stress! It’s easy to carry the weight of your hurt wherever you go, but remember that if your relationship has a solid foundation, honesty rarely causes more problems than it solves! 

-Chronic Illness Flare-ups and/or Addiction

       For most people, conflict within relationships can cause physical symptoms like stomach pains or heart palpitations. Those with chronic illnesses, mental illnesses, or disabilities can be impacted by this especially hard. Flare ups are common for all of us Now What? girls when major strains happen within our personal relationships. Relationship issues can also be major triggers for those that suffer from addiction. A bad headspace can easily lead to bad habits and unhealthy coping mechanisms. Especially those with dopamine resistance who are already at a greater risk of substance abuse.

-Financial Strain

       A difference in spending habits and opinions can absolutely lead to conflict; as we discussed above. This can lead to serious financial strain on one party or possibly even both. You have to compromise within relationships and compromise can sometimes mean stretching yourself slightly beyond where you wanted to be. Do your best to be cognizant of what you are spending and why so that later resentment and anger doesn’t bubble up!

How to recognize healthy vs. unhealthy problems/ habits?

-Having disagreements is normal. Scream fighting every day is not. 

-Having different opinions or outlooks on life is normal. Changing your views to fit another person is not. However, your views changing through experience and the growth of the relationship naturally is a completely common and honestly wonderful outcome. Belittling someone for having a different opinion than you is not.

-Having intrusive thoughts like “maybe they are cheating” or “maybe they hate me” is normal, especially if you're an anxious individual. Taking these thoughts out on your partner or not giving them the trust they deserve because of them is not.

-Not being perfect all the time is normal. Accidentally saying something mean is normal. Screaming sometimes is normal. Picking a fight sometimes is normal. We're all human and just have to try everyday to communicate in a healthy way and have grace for people when they can't. 

Reminder: Relationship problems are universal! No relationship is perfect, but the right people will be worth it.